prayer request

I know that blogs are usually people telling stories but in my attempt to share my heart with you guys I want to ask you for prayer for something that has impacted me a lot during this week. I think I am at the point where I am confident enough to share with you a struggle that I am helping someone get through. {for her sake, her name has been changed.}

Let me walk you through everyday life as Ruby. Everyday she walks to school because her family has one car. She walks when its boiling hot and she walks in the snow. She walks into the school with her head down, no one says hi. She's invisable.  Ruby heads to class, she sits in the front of the room and absorbs everything the teacher says unaware of the people behind her laughing and making fun of her.  She's a genius. Straight A's. Principals List.  The day flys by until lunch. The time she hates the most.  She buys her lunch and sits there and reads and eats. occasionally people will come up and sit with her to get their friends to laugh. She knows. She gets home after school and her dad is waiting with a warm smile. She smiles and walks to her room. Her mind goes crazy, "why am I here? what have I done with my life? would people miss me if I died?" She expresses her thoughts to facebook.  11 people comment telling her how great she is. It gets her through the next day but she has the rest of the year to survive. 

I met Ruby my eighth grade year. I went to her birthday with 2 other girls, my sisters. We were the only ones there. After than I didn't see her or hear about her until just recently when the lady who drives me to school mentioned the status she posted. I decided that I wouldn't allow it. That monday I invited her to sit with me. {& this isn't tooting my own horn, I should have done this a long time ago!} she politely declined. A few days later I told her that she was "always welcome to join us!" She smiled and said "okay" 

She has yet to come join us but I will keep pushing. The reason I tell this is not to get credit because it's all the Holy Spirit in me, I did nothing. But I bring this to your attention to 1. ask for prayer for her, her family, & me to be able to keep up with inviting her to sit with me and 2. to look for people in your school who are hurting and help them before it's too late.

xox,
kirsten

change: the good, the bad, they ugly

I'll be the first to say it; change stinks.  I love my comfort zone, we're friends.  But something I recently is change helps you grow.  I'm on yearbook at my school and our theme is growth and we are focusing how change makes you grow. So often we see the bad in change, but how often do we see the good in it?

The begining of my junior year I got switched out of the small group I had been with since eighth grade due to drama.  I was told that I would "do better in a different group."  This enraged me.  I didn't want to be in this group where I barely knew they girls and the leaders.  As the year went on I grew to love both of my leaders but one specifically; elgena.  I just loved how real she was. While some of the girls didn't appreciate it, I ate up every word she said. I knew that I wanted to get to know her better.  

I just came home from dinner with her. The funny thing? I would never have met her had I not been forced to switch small groups.  The way God plans my life astounds me.  I was forced into change. But I grew so much, had I stayed in the same group I know I wouldn't have opened up to anyone about anything.  I don't even know if I would have met my best friend jenna!  I was so set on my life staying the same and staying in that group that I almost lost these two amazing women in my life.

I guess what I am trying to say is change can be scary but try to stick it out. "If God let you to it, He'll lead you through it." 

xox,
kirsten

love is an anchor

there is hope!

Oh my gosh, I have been so busy blogging hasn't even crossed my mind. With back to school, work, homework, and the craziness of life I would venture to say I haven't posted in a month? I'm sorry. Student Council is taking up a ton of time as we struggle to get prepared for the upcoming school year, I work every weekend, and life is just crazy. 

So I was reading something one of my friends posted on facebook about purity. I have worn a purity ring since the end of my sophomore year. If you don't know what a purity ring is, it's a ring that you wear where your wedding ring would go as a promise to not have sex before marriage. Anyways, I recently stopped wearing it just because. I endured all the questions like "oh my goodness, did something happen?" No, I simply took it off. I just didn't feel like wearing it anymore. But the meaning for me goes deeper, I hate waiting. I just want God to show me my perfect man, what girl doesn't? My sophomore and junior year were boy centered. I pushed God out. I told God that if he wouldn't show me my perfect man, I would find him. Which, now that I think about it, explains why no guys were genuinely interested. The ones that were interested, weren't guys I wanted to date. I knew God was up there laughing. He showed me that I am not at all capable of finding a guy, let alone the perfect one. 

So now I've made it sound like I have it all figured out. Mission accomplished right? nice try! This is the part of this story that is raw and real, and current. God isn't enough for me. A part of me died when I typed that. He never has been. Don't get me wrong, God is enough. But I still feel empty. I have never been super close with God. I feel like people who blog have life changing stories. If that's what you are looking for, save yourself the time and do something else. I am here to be real with you, my life is in shambles. I have never felt farther from God and it is probably the worst and scariest thing in the world. I'm at the point where I can learn from this or go off the deep end. If you have never been at rock bottom, and I mean way down, so far that you can barely see the light at the top; you can't comprehend how scary it is. The fact that you are so far from the light {God} that you can barely see Him. When you think you can't fall any farther down, you meet a new friend who hates church and everything about it. You can't be there to change her mind because you don't by any means have any hope left to share. 

But let me tell you, there is hope. That little glimmer of light that you can see from the bottom of the dark place you are in, it's getting closer. God will never leave you. My mom always tells me, "the only person that ever walks away from your {my & God's} relationship; is you." Life is crazy and it may get hectic but God doesn't give up on you. He is waiting to pull you out of the dark place. It doesn't get much better than that. 

xox,
kirsten

Camp Barnabas Video

As you guys know I went to Camp Barnabas this summer and had a blast and put up some pictures on my blog and if we are friends on facebook there are a plethora of pictures up there. But nothing quite captures moments like video. So this is a little video put together by one of my friends! I am in in a few times, none with my camper but you have all seen her so..
ENJOY!!

{just click on the link below}

 Camp Barnabas 2012

xox,
kirsten

SENIOR YEAR

The day has come; I registered for my senior year! Where has the time gone?! I feel like just yesterday I was registering for my freshman year! I have seen many senior classes pass through, but none that have really stuck out to me. I want to be the change! I want 2013 to be a class to remember. I want to reach my school, I want people to look back on my senior class and people to say, "wow, that will be a hard class to replace." What would someone have to do to make that kind of impression? I feel like so often senior year is all about the seniors. What about the seniors reaching out to the younger grades. Prepare them for their upcoming responsibilies. What of we were a class that reached out instead of being a class that is all about us? How big of an impact would that make? If we prepared the upcoming grades & then the tradition would continue. One class, 2013, could change our schools! It's time for us to step up, are you ready?

xox,
kirsten

summer days

xox,

kirsten

Leader Dog for the Blind.

This entry is so overdue and I am sorry. I am back from camp!  It was a blast & I want to go back! I had the sweetest girl who was blind.  She was actually like 25 years old, which wasn't what I was expecting but it was exactly what I needed.  

On July 13th I got on a bus with 25 other people to go to Camp Barnabas, a camp for children with special needs. On the bus they asked us to share our stories {or testimonies.} I stalled, I really didn't was 13 people to know my heart.  I didn't want to be vulnerable.  This is the first time ever that I have ever shared my story.  I shared it on the bus ride down, in my cabin, bus ride back, and with my small group leader!  It was so refreshing and it got us all so much closer to hear everyones stories. I still had no idea what I was in for, I didn't know what my camper would be like, what disability, boy/girl, etc. So going down to camp there was an unsettled feeling in my stomach.  I wanted to know who my camper would be.

When we got to camp I was in cabin G7 with one of my best friends Mikayla! At first everyone was asking, "How the heck did those two end up together?"  But, it was totally a God thing.  She was the last person I expected to be put in a cabin with but I needed her so much through out the week. She was my rock, my smile, my encourager. I would have never gotten through the week without her.  

When the time came to pick campers, none of them stuck out to me.  It was really hard because last year I saw the list and my campers name stuck out.  But this year no one did.  Then I heard "Merideth, she's blind and has learning disabilites." Mikayla told me that she was my friends camper last year and something just clicked.  I knew that she was exactly who I was supposed to have.  On camper arrival day she was one of the last to arrive.  But when she did we talked all the way back to the cabin.  She kept telling me, "we're going to get along fine!" I started to believe her. It was so easy to talk to her and she was so sweet! I didn't feel like it was a job, I felt like I was talking to a friend. 

The second day we went canoeing and fishing. There were no fish in the creek but we got to teach the campers to fish and it was a great bonding time. As we sat there waiting for fish to bite Merideth was telling me about what she does at home. It was so awakening to see that she doesn't get to do much and is content. It was really a wake up call to see that she just sits in her house except for going to work and is perfectly happy and I whine when I can't see my friends some weekends. So after fishing we went canoeing. Merideth was one of three girls that wanted to go. I am not good a canoeing at all. So we kept running into the shore and I was getting frustrated so I yelled up to my staffer and asked how deep it was. She told me it was about waist deep. Next thing you knew I was in the water. It was really funny and a running joke in our cabin.

As everyones personalities started to come out it was obvious, this was going to be a great week! They all knew each other and they were so funny together. It was so refreshing to be away from society and just pour into this sweet girl! We did all the typical camp activities: fishing, archery, rifles, swimming, excursion. wait, what? Yeah, that's right. excursion. We took 8 blind girls out into the woods. What an adventure that was! We cooked hot dogs, walked to the creek, swam in the creek, made dinner, and slept outside. Yep, under the stars. I must say, it was such an amazing night! All the CIAs bonded. As an added bonus, I took some benedryl and fell right to sleep! We left after breakfast in the morning. Honestly, I'm shocked I survived. {hehe} 

There was one girl in our cabin, Torey, who was an amazing violinist. She could hear 20 seconds of a song and then play it! She was so obsessed with playing at wrap up. Finally the day came that Beth told Torey she could play at wrap up. She screamed so loud and the whole room looked at her. It was such a great moment to see her so happy. The other cool thing about Torey? Her faith. Everytime she had the chance to pray she would pray for her eyes. She was born blind and is now 18. She has probably been praying that prayer her whole life! Yet, she continues to pray for something she has never recieved. So many times, I pray for things for maybe a week to month maximum and then forget about it! This girl has been praying the same prayer for 18 years! What faith she must have in God. The coolest part of her prayers were when she would say, "God, if it's in your will, give me my eye sight back!" If it's in Gods will! Be honest, how often do you pray asking for things. A lot. But, how often do you ask God if it's in his will! We just ask for things. Take a lesson from Torey, be patient.

One of the memories that I will cherish is excursion. The day was long and tiring but it hit nighttime and we had dinner with a boy cabin that was out on excursion. We just got to sit there and talk with them and have fun.  After dinner we had worship and just sat there praising our God and looking up at the millions of stars you could see out there. It is a memory that I will forever cherish.

Another little girl I met that had a great story was Emily. I wrote about her earlier but her story is just so amazing. When her mother died she tried to commit suicide by shooting herself.  She was found and taken to the ER. They did surgery and got back everything but her eyesight.  But the coolest thing about emily is, when she shot herself she shot out the part of her brain that makes her sad. She is filled with genuine joy, all the time. This was definetly a girl I needed to meet. I get so upset over the dumbest things, but this girl doesn't have a lot but is genuinely happy all the time. How cool is that? She made a huge impact in my life and will forever have a special place in my heart. 

The last night was cross carry which is by far the most emotional event I have ever had the opportunity to be involved in. The cross has names if campers who have come to camp and since passed away. The cross is passed by all the cabins pray over it. It's really emotional because some of the campers know people on it. Every year I tell myself I won't cry and every year, I cry. It just is so heart breaking to see amazing kids who may not get to come back to camp the next year because of a disease. It always gets me. After cross carry we went to "sayso" which is a time for campers, CIAs, and staff to talk about their week. Merideth decided at the last minute to go up. It warmed my heart to hear her talk about how much she loved me and just being at camp. Hearing her talk that night made everything worth it. 

Camp Barnabas will alway have a very special place in my heart. The people I meet there are some of the sweetest and best people in the world. I wish the whole world was like camp. Every camper holds such a special place in my heart. Camp Barnabas has changed me for the better. It challenged me, broke me, and renewed me. 

Don't be selfish; don't live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. {Phillipians 2:3}

I was eyes to the blind, and I was feet to the lame. {Job 29:15}

But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put shame to the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put shame the things which are mighty. {1 Cor. 1:27}

Sneak Peek: Emily

My official camp blog isn't up. So whoever is waiting for that, I'm sorry. For making you wait so long I will give you a sneak peek. 

I want to introduce you to Emily. She wasn't my camper but she was in my cabin.  She has such a cool story. Her CIA asked her if she was born blind or if she had became blind sometime during her life. She explained she lost her eye sight a few years ago. She was upset about her mothers death and tried to commit suicide by shooting herself.  She survived, she went in the surgery and gained back everything but her sight. The coolest thing about emily? When she shot herself, she shot out the part of her brain that makes her sad. She is happy all the time! How cool is that?! Nothing upsets her. 
I think we can all learn a thing or two from this girl. So often we get upset over the dumbest things. Emily has pure joy all the time. 


Psalms 47:1 Clap your hands, all peoples! Shout to God with loud songs of joy!


I could not think of a more perfect verse for this girl. She loves God with everything she has! Her joy is so great that it makes everyone happy. What if we were like that? That people would be filled with joy from just being around you. God may have taken her sight, but he gave her so much more in return. She will forever hold a place in my heart. 


xox,
kirsten

1, 2, 3, smile!

I know it's been a while but I have been so sick and things have been crazy after getting back from camp! {& I am still working on my Barnabas blog, it will be up before the summer ends and hopefully earlier} But, today I would like to talk about something I noticed at my work last weekend. 


One of the waiters was taking a picture to a group of women.  It was your typical picture, he said "1, 2, 3!" and then took the picture. Normal right? Yes. The part after is the part that shook me. After the flash went of their smiles vanished! They all jumped up to see what they looked like, the waiter walked away, and they went on with their meal. I have seen countless people get their picture taken, but never noticed how quickly the smiles vanish after the camera is out away..  

I feel like so often we are just like these women. It's seems so normal to smile and be happy when we are on camera. {Replace the camera with people.} So often we fake a smile in public and then when we get home it vanishes. We feel the need to smile and be happy around people, when in reality we are hurting. 

Proverbs 15:13 - "A happy heart makes the face cheerful, but heartache crushes the spirit."

Crushes the spirit. If you just pretend to be happy, it makes you more upset.  I am not saying to walk around crying. I am saying to be vulnerable. Tell people what's going on. It will lift some of the burden and make you feel better. Be real. Smile when you're happy and tell someone when you are hurting.

xox, 

kirsten

songs that heal the heart.

I was listening to my pandora before I left for Barnabas and You Are More by Tenth Avenue North came on.  It was just what I needed to hear. Knowing that I am worth more than the mistakes I have made was so freeing. Just because Barnabas last year was not great didn't mean this year had to be the same way.  I had a fresh start!  

But don't you know who you are,
What's been done for you?
Yeah don't you know who you are?

You are more than the choices that you've made,
You are more than the sum of your past mistakes,
You are more than the problems you create,
You've been remade.

Well she tries to believe it
That she's been given new life
But she can't shake the feeling
That it's not true tonight

She knows all the answers
And she's rehearsed all the lines
And so she'll try to do better
But then she's too weak to try

'Cause this is not about what you've done,
But what's been done for you.
This is not about where you've been,
But where your brokenness brings you to

This is not about what you feel,
But what He felt to forgive you,
And what He felt to make you loved.

Another song that really hit home was Beautiful by Mercyme.  Pretty much saying that even when you are super discouraged and you feel like a failure, God still thinks you are beautiful!  

Days will come when you don't have the strength
And all you hear is you're not worth anything
Wondering if you ever could be loved
And if they truly saw your heart
They'd see too much

You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful, You're beautiful
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful

Praying that you have the heart to fight
Cause you are more than what is hurting you tonight
For all the lies you've held inside so long
But they are nothing in the shadow of the cross

Before you ever took a breath
Long before the world began
Of all the wonders He possessed
There was one more precious
Of all the earth and skies above
You're the one He madly loves,
Enough to die!

You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured, you are sacred, you are His
You're beautiful!
You are made for so much more than all of this
You're beautiful!
You are treasured
You are sacred
You are His.

how great is that? You always belong to God, no matter what you do! No matter how weak and helpless you feel, He is always right besides you.

xox,

kirsten

p.s. my camp blog will be up soon, I am still working on writing it! But here's a picture of my camper! 

going back?

Last year two days from today I left for Camp Barnabas for the first time. This year, in two days, I am going back.  Let me explain the ironic thing, I can't think of one reason why I am going back.  Honestly, I don't even know if I want to go back.  My heart is pounding! I wish God would just tell me why the heck I am going back! Last year my camper and I didn't click at all, and I was so homesick!  Don't get me wrong, I loved Lili.  But, she was so quiet and I felt like she didn't appreciate me. {sorry, as a girl I long to be appreciated..} We had a lot of fun together as you see in the two pictures that go along with this post, but we never really bonded.  So I can't imagine why God would send me back..


I rest in the fact that I am going back for a reason.  I am being sent to this camp for a certain kid, a kid that needs me, or maybe I need them.  Long story short, I have a purpose in going back.  I just have to find it! Who knows maybe my camper will hate me, maybe it will be someone I was never expecting or maybe it will be someone I will get super close with.  But I trust God to know that he has the perfect camper planned for me.  


Psalm 32:8 says, I will instruct you and teach you in the way you should go; I will counsel you and watch over you.


Proverbs 3:5-6 says, Trust in the LORD with all your heart; and lean not upon your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct your path.


I find rest in these verses, I am going back to Camp Barnabas for a reason. Maybe I need the kid. Maybe the kid needs me.  Maybe, someone else in the cabin needs me. Maybe, I will never know why I was sent back. But, I know one thing, I am on this team for a reason. For one camper that God has been planning our lives for the moment our paths cross.  {crazy right?!}   But, that is how great the God I serve is.  I know he wouldn't bring me to this camp for nothing, and I am very excited to see why I get to go back. 


xox,
kirsten


p.s if you think of it, please pray for
-team unity
-safety
-our campers
-the counclers {CIAs}
& I will be posting an update when I get back, hopefully soon after the 21st!  Don't leave me, I will be back! & with pictures!! :)

Remind me.

I am one of those people who had never had any huge life plans.  I have always felt inferior to my friends who have their lives planned out.  I want so desperately to know what my life will hold.  I know that God has a plan, I just wish His path was a little more clear.  I don't want to make my own plans for fear of messing with God's. 

Have you ever heard a song and you just sat there thinking, "wow, this person can read my mind!"  Well today I was sitting eating my lunch listening to the Christian Contemporary channel on Pandora and Remind me who I am to You by Jason Gray came on.  I kind of tuned it out because I was on facebook, but at a closer listen, it explains my life!  Just read & let the words soak in..

When I lose my way,
And I forget my name,
Remind me who I am.
In the mirror all I see,
Is who I don't wanna be,
Remind me who I am.
In the loneliest places,
When I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.
To You.

When my heart is like a stone,
And I'm running far from home,
Remind me who I am.
When I can't receive Your love,
Afraid I'll never be enough,
Remind me who I am.
If I'm Your beloved,
Can You help me believe it.

Tell me once again who I am to You,
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You.
That I belong to You.

I'm the one you love,
I'm the one you love,
That will be enough,
I'm the one you love.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.

Tell me once again who I am to You.
Who I am to You.
Tell me lest I forget who I am to You,
That I belong to You.

When you forget who you are and what your purpose on earth is, ask God to remind you why you are here.  He will blow you away.  You are not here to drool over One Direction, repin cute clothes, and have fun with your friends. As fun {and harmless.} as this stuff is, don't let it get in the wayof your calling on the earth.  Love the least, encourage people, serve.  No one on this earth is here on accident, even the meanest person.  You are placed in your home, your classes, your friend groups, your church, for a certain purpose.  Never lose sight of the things that actually matter.  You can bring friends & family to heaven with you, but clothes, computer, phones, and other material items don't.  Prioritize!  If you open your heart to Gods plan and what he wants to do in your life I can guarantee you won't regret it.  It won't be east but trust me, it is so worth it!

xox,
kirsten

give in to relaxation.

I have forgotten how to relax.  I am ADHD, I have such a hard time just sitting and relaxing.  My sister always wants to just lay and tan and I can't.  I always feel like I have something to be doing.  I took a stress test a year ago and got a 33, normal is like 25.  I was the highest in my class.  I feel powerless.  My ADHD controls me.  I have always longed to be able to just sit on the beach and soak up the sun, but my brain won't let me.  Until this weekend..

The weekend of the 4th, my family and some friends came up to our friends cottage with us.  It sits on a quiet lake.  All we have to do is swim and relax.  Enviroments like this are the only place that I can relax, because there is nothing I can be doing other than relaxing.  If you know me, you know I am a very good actress.  I am very good at making it look like I have it all together.  I don't. Sometimes, I get so worked up over the smallest, little things.  It's because I bottle so much up, and just save it.  Then when something happens, I just explode.  But this weekend, I was able to just catch up with friends I have known since childhood. It's amazing how fun it can be just to swim, take walks down the highway {haha.} eat, laugh, reminice, take pictures, and just talk.  I think so often we get so caught up in the ups & downs and life and forget to relax & laugh.  Life's moments are so precious.  Cherish all the late nights, friends, fun, laughs, talks, and chances to relax.


luke 21:34 says, But watch yourselves lest your hearts be weighed down with dissipation and drunkenness and cares of this life, and that day come upon you suddenly like a trap.


xox,
kirsten

Jealousy.

Beauty intimidates, correct?  I believe this whole-heartedly.  Beautiful people are intimidating, but it's all in the mindset.  You will always run into people that are prettier, skinnier, dress better, have better skin than you. If you are don't know your beauty, you will feel inferior to these people.  Listen, self pity will get you no where.  Hating yourself won't make you prettier.  Find things that you love in yourself like your hair, eyes, your laugh, etc.  If you pin point what you love about you then beautiful people won't be as intimidating.  If you need a little extra help put these things you love on sticky notes on your mirror.  Then when you're getting ready, you will be looking at things you love about yourself.  

There was this girl that was new and she was gorgeous.  One of my friends came up and told me she looked like a mean girl.  This judgement was purely based on her being pretty.  It was obvious then that to my friend, beauty was mean.  I am begging you, don't make these kind of judgements they just rot away at your opportunity to get to know them for who they are.  

When you look up jealousy this is what comes up: 


Jealousy is an emotion and typically refers to the negative thoughts and feelings of insecurity, fear, and anxiety over an anticipated loss of something that the person values, particularly in reference to a human connection. Jealousy often consists of a combination of presenting emotions such as anger, resentment, inadequacy, helplessness and disgust.    


So pretty much, jealousy is being bitter about what you don't have.  What a waste of time!  Who wants to spend their time thinking about what the lack?  If you live your life like this, it's draining.  When you contantly think about how inferior you are, you will never feel good.  Talking about what others lack might make you feel good for a moment, but what good does it do in the long run? You feel guilty and that person feels inferior.  Girls, why do we do this to each other?! I don't get it.  We are all so beautiful, no need to hate.  Love yourself and love others. 

"And a second is like it: You shall love your neighbor as yourself."
 Matthew 22:39


xox, 
kirsten

hermanas.

I feel like I write a lot about love and boys.  But if you give me five minutes of your time I can assure you, you won't be sorry.  

I have been blessed with two amazing sister who I can talk about anything with.  We are best friends and I love it.  I know they will be honest with me, and I know that they are always there for me. {p.s. one is adopted, so yes that picture is my real sisters.}  We share a room, all three of us.  To be honest, yes it's crowded but it's always a party.  My sisters have probably given me the best advice because they know me inside-out.  All this to say, get close with your siblings.  The are always going to be there and there is no bond that is stronger.  My siblings and I have been through so much together, and we kept each other strong.  Don't under estimate the bonds in a family, because friends will come and go but family is forever. {really cliche.}  

Also, get good girl friends!  This is a must in any stage of your life.  But, especially in high school. Find girls that you can be yourself with.  Find girls to share your life with.  Find girls that you can share your heart with.  I wish I would have learned this earlier.  I had girl friends, but I never tried to get close with them. When you find girls that you can share your heart with it will be great.  I hate high school girls.  All the drama, gossip, and back stabbing.  God blessed me with girls that don't do that to me.  If you find good girl friends that love God and will talk to you into the late hours of the night and tell you how beautiful you are, your life will be so much better.  I promise.

xox,

kirsten

self worth.

As long as I can remember I have been one of those girls who never knew who or what she wanted to be. Resulting in me hanging out with a huge variety of people to figure out where I belonged.  During this  search, I hung out with a lot of guys.  I would always hear them talking about girls and they would say things that I really shouldn't of been hearing.  As these boys would talk about girls and the way they dressed, acted, and how they looked, I started to get very insecure.  When the time came that I could actually comprehend what dating was, I tried so hard to get close to guys but as I did they would say something super serious and I would get scared.  For the longest time this would happen where I would lead guys on and then just let them fall. I never intended to date any guy I knew in middle school and I knew that.  But as I got in to high school and dating became a serious thing, I ran into the same problem.  I couldn't get close.  For a while I just believed that it was the guys, they weren't the one.  But as I got older I realized that I wasn't sure of who I was.  I knew who society wanted me to be and who they had made me but, no one knew the real me.  The {sometimes dumb} blonde girl who was really sarcastic and just loved everyone.  I remember one day some girl came up to me and said, "you just don't get it, you live in your own world and have no grasp of reality."  The longer those words sat, the more truth it spoke.  I thought everyone should love me.  I was so used to having people want to be around me that I got really stuck-up and this girl told me what I needed to hear.  But, it hurt to know she was right.  I realized I needed to step into the real world and see who I was.  As this process went on, I feel in love with myself and life.

Another aspect of my life was my "christian life."  I went to church, raised my hand during worship, answered all the questions the church girl way.  I had it all together.  Until I got put in a different small group. I was heart broken.  I had spent my freshman and sophomore year with the same leader and girls, and some of the girls I was with even in middle school.  I was devistated.  But, as soon as I walked into the room I knew the leader would be just what I needed.  She had life experience, someone who was willing to share the dark parts of her life.  Even though I barely related, I could talk to her about stuff and she had experience.  This is when I really started to grow in my relationship with God.  I realized that I couldn't just have any old guy in my life, it needed to be God picked.  I realized that to date, you must first fall in love with God and then, with yourself. God is where I find my identity.

xox, 
kirsten

Heart Break.

Want to hear a story? I think it will help you better understand where I am coming from.

So about this time last year I met this boy who I was convinced was the one.  He was sweet, said nice things to me, was a "christian" and the list goes on.  I was always justifying my actions, "oh, he's a christian so it's okay."  it wasn't.  I let him consume my life.  He controlled my every move not because he was a bad boy or anything like that but just because I valued his opinion so much.  He was not right for me and deep down I knew it, but I didn't want to admit that to myself. I had many friends telling me he wasn't the way to go but what did they know?  We were best friends and in a few months, I told myself, we would be dating.  The dating thing never happened, and you know what? I have God to thank for that.  Looking back I want to smack the old me & yell, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!"  Because he was a big waste of my time.  This boy is still one of my close friends but we both realize that it's better being just friends.  

But coming to the realization that just friends was a lot of work.  We both have always had feelings for each other.  But when we got time apart, I could go on his facebook and see he was not the kind of guy I wanted in my life.  I would see him and everything that I saw on facebook and knew as truth diminished.  I let him hold my heart for a few months.  It wasn't easy getting it back.  I had to break it to him that we couldn't go on like this.  When the time came to get my heart back, he wasn't completely ready to give it back and as a result it was like tug of war and it ripped my heart in half.  I took the half I had and moved on. Getting over him was a lot of crying & taylor swift. Just kidding, kind of..   But really, I prayed a lot for God to bring something into my life to take my mind of it and he delivered.  He brought a new found deep relationship with my sister.  I could tell her my heart and know she would love me no matter what.  The greatest thing?  She holds my heart but would never hurt me.  

When I see him, it hurts.  Because a lot of times it's with other girls and I know in a few months they will be in the same boat.  It hurts to know that he gives his heart to girl and they give theirs to him and pretty soon he will just take his back and move on.  

I do not tell you this story to get pity, because to be honest, I don't care about him anymore.  I tell you this to warn you, guard your heart. Any boy can come in and say the right words and then leave you devistated.  Wait for the guy that will pursue you and show you that he is worthy of you, not just says that he is.  Girls, he is out there.  Don't waste your boys who can talk the talk, anyone can. Wait for someone who can walk the walk.

xox,
kirsten

Spider Web.

Have you ever looked at a spider web. I mean, really closely..  You'll discover that no spider web is the same and they are made very intricately.  What brings me to this is today I was on my patio and I saw a spider web glistening in the sun, without thinking I hit it down. How often do we feel like this spider web? Every human is made differently.  There are different species of spiders like their are different races of humans.  We all build our lives differently kind of like spider webs.  As I thought about it more I started to think about how spider webs are beautiful but spiders are really gross.  This reminded me of how we judge by outside appearance.  People may seem beautiful but really they are gross. Even though spiders may be the last thing we want to compare ourselves to, we have a lot in  common.  Spiders make these huge webs to live in, kind of like we build up our empire to make it seem like we have a lot.  We buy big homes, nice cars, nice clothes, and spend money on things we don't need.  Have you ever noticed that every spider makes a different web? Well in the same way humans don't all live the same lives.  Some have huge homes but they are really lonely.  While people as we see as poor don't see themselves the same beause they have friends and family that love them. Also, when I smacked down the spider web it reminded me of how sometimes, we work so hard to build up our empire and then one little unplanned thing comes and knocks us on our butts. People are strange things, but I beg you, get to know them before you judge them.
xox,
kirsten

Forever Alone.

So lately I have been thinking a lot about dating.  I feel like so many people are getting boyfriends and girlfriends and I was really feeling down on myself like I wasn't good enough to have a boyfriend.  You all know the feeling when even the wierdest girl in school has a boyfriend and you are "forever alone."  This was is me. I have never had a boyfriend in my life, and yes this is by choice.  I have never been on one date, never kissed a boy, held hands with a boy, nothing. Look at me, I am surviving just fine.  I go to public school so I see all kinds of guys. Most of them just want to be physical.  Guys in high school are not looking for a long term relationship, and you shouldn't be either.  This isn't to say that dating is the devil, just be careful.  

As a girl, part of me longs for a boy to hug me and love me and tell me I am beautiful.  But my other half tells me that it is a waste of time.  That my heart is way to fragile right now to deal with someone telling me that "I am not their type."  So, as I was going through one of the groups I am in on facebook called "Spread the Love" which is a group of girls that offer encouragment to each other.  I came across a picture someone posted that said: "Dear girl, don't worry if you're single.  God is looking at you right now saying, 'I"m saving this girl for someone special.'"  So don't worry if you are still single, Gods timing is always perfect.  

The Charm Bracelet

I opened my e-mail & re-discovered this! Check it out, it's such a great story!


The Charm Bracelet
Fiction by Sarah Kistler

"Sweet 16 had finally come! I never thought I‘d make it. But I did. And it was amazing. My parents threw the birthday party of the century, and I had more people than I could count. The whole day had been awesome. But as I watched the sun begin to set, I knew the best part was soon to come.
It was late in the evening. Confetti had been swept up, helium balloons had started to sag and gift wrap had been folded neatly and tucked away for my mom’s later use. As I sat at my window studying the dusky sky, Dad peeked into my room with a smile.
“Ready to go, Sweetie?” he asked.
Was that a trick question? I wondered as I scrambled to my feet. I’d been waiting for this night for five long years, and it was finally here! I was now officially allowed to date!
The plan was for my parents and me to go to my favorite restaurant on the night of my 16th birthday and officiate the agreement, go over standards and discuss rules and such. And now we were finally on our way.
I sat across from my parents in a quiet corner booth. Having just placed our orders, I figured it was time to get on with it. “So. I can go out with any guy I want to, right?” I squealed, hardly able to contain my excitement.
Mom and Dad chuckled. Dad answered, “Well, we agreed to that, didn’t we?”
“Sweet!” I exclaimed, doing a little victory dance in my seat. My parents had held me off for years, but now that the time had come, they would let me date any guy I wanted! Of course they knew I had a good relationship with God and wasn’t too short on common sense, either.
“Now wait just a second,” Mom interrupted with a smile. “You have to agree to a little something yourself.”
I was expecting a lecture of some sort, so I was already prepared. “So what do I have to do now?” I asked, leaning forward on my elbows.
“Just open this,” Dad answered, producing a small white box. He gave a mysterious smile.
One Little Rule
I hesitated a moment before untying the curly pink ribbon. I slowly opened the lid and saw a beautiful silver bracelet. But not just any bracelet. It was a charm bracelet. And they weren’t just any charms. They were gemstones, small but gorgeous. A dozen dainty charms dangled gently.
“Wow.” I didn’t know what else to say. I wasn’t expecting this at all.
“Now you have to understand this isn’t just any bracelet,” Mom informed me.
“I know,” I said. “It’s so beautiful!” I studied it closer. There were six small charms alternating with six tinier ones. The smaller ones were a deep blue. Sapphires, I guessed. And the other six were each different. One appeared to be just a rock, one was pink, a white one, a red one, green . . . and was that a diamond?
“This charm bracelet is symbolic,” Dad explained, leaning in closer to study it with me. “It represents you and your purity. This is what will guide you through your dating relationships. Your mother and I can only tell you what’s right. We can’t make you believe it yourself. Hopefully, this will.”
I looked up solemnly. “I’m listening.”
“This represents the first time you hold a guy’s hand,” Mom said, pointing to the gray one. “It’s just a piece of polished granite. Seemingly cheap, yes, but it’s still a part of your bracelet. This is pink quartz.” She gently rubbed the next one between her fingers. “It represents your first kiss.”
“This green one is an emerald,” Dad continued. “This is your first boyfriend. The pearl is the first time you say ‘I love you’ to a man other than me.”
I giggled. This was so amazing.
“The ruby stands for your first engagement. And the diamond represents the first time you say ‘I do,’ ” Mom finished.
After letting it all sink in, I cleared my emotion-clogged throat. “What do the six tiny sapphires stand for?” I asked.
“Those are to remind you how beautiful and valuable you are to us and to God,” Dad replied. “Now here’s the hitch in all this, the one and only rule you’ll ever have to follow when it comes to dating.”
Only one rule. Sounded good. But little did I know . . .
“Whenever you give one these actions of love-a kiss, an ‘I love you,’ a hand to hold-you also have to give the recipient the gem to match.”
I must’ve misunderstood. “I have to give him the gem?”
“You have to give it to him,” Mom restated.
I was silent for a moment. I thought they must be joking. But they weren’t even thinking of cracking a smile.
“But Daddy!” I suddenly shrieked. “These are insanely expensive! I can’t just give them away!”
He gave a soft, loving chuckle. “Did you hear what you just said?”
I thought about it.
“Baby, your purity, your heart, they’re far more valuable than a few little rocks. If you can’t find it in your heart to give away your little charms, I don’t think you should be giving away the things they represent.”
I could feel my insides melting, ready to gush out my tear ducts. On the one hand, it made me feel valuable and precious. But on the other, it made me furious. It made no sense. But it would.
Priceless Gems
A few weeks after that night, I was hanging out with my friends at the beach. Chad wouldn’t swim because I wouldn’t swim. I was more interested in reading than getting caked with sand, and he was more interested in sitting with me than swimming with his buddies. He was sweet. He was cute. And he tried to hold my hand.
I was thrilled for a nanosecond when a certain piece of ugly granite flashed through my mind and made me move out of his reach. I was severely annoyed-annoyed at my parents, annoyed at my bracelet-turned-handcuffs, but most of all, annoyed at myself. I was letting a little rock dominate my romantic life.
I furiously glared at it during the whole embarrassing walk to the bathhouse. But then God hit me upside the head with a shocking epiphany. I couldn’t give up my little chunk of granite. It was a part of my bracelet, which in a sense made it a part of me. I wouldn’t be whole without it. It wasn’t a priceless gem, yet it was still valuable. It made sense after that.
Kevin came along eventually. We had fun. We hung out a lot. I thought I might love him. I thought I might tell him so. I thought of my pearl. It turned out that I didn’t love him as much as I thought I did.
So my parents had been right. They couldn’t make me believe the things they wanted me to believe. So they let God and my bracelet do the work instead. Among the four of them, I figured out how valuable I was. How valuable my purity was. How not valuable guys were who just wasted my time and emotions. If they weren’t in it for the whole bracelet, why should they get one part of it?
Nate. He thought my bracelet was awesome. So he never tried to hold my hand. He never tried to kiss me. But he asked me to marry him.
I never knew that so many years of torture could amount to so much happiness. I’d thought it was silly. I’d thought it was overrated. But now, I‘ve never been more glad of anything in my life. As I gave my husband the charm bracelet in its entirety, I wondered why I had found it so hard to hang on to those little rocks when it was so amazing to give them all to the man I truly loved.
But it didn’t end there. Now our daughter wears it."