self worth.

As long as I can remember I have been one of those girls who never knew who or what she wanted to be. Resulting in me hanging out with a huge variety of people to figure out where I belonged.  During this  search, I hung out with a lot of guys.  I would always hear them talking about girls and they would say things that I really shouldn't of been hearing.  As these boys would talk about girls and the way they dressed, acted, and how they looked, I started to get very insecure.  When the time came that I could actually comprehend what dating was, I tried so hard to get close to guys but as I did they would say something super serious and I would get scared.  For the longest time this would happen where I would lead guys on and then just let them fall. I never intended to date any guy I knew in middle school and I knew that.  But as I got in to high school and dating became a serious thing, I ran into the same problem.  I couldn't get close.  For a while I just believed that it was the guys, they weren't the one.  But as I got older I realized that I wasn't sure of who I was.  I knew who society wanted me to be and who they had made me but, no one knew the real me.  The {sometimes dumb} blonde girl who was really sarcastic and just loved everyone.  I remember one day some girl came up to me and said, "you just don't get it, you live in your own world and have no grasp of reality."  The longer those words sat, the more truth it spoke.  I thought everyone should love me.  I was so used to having people want to be around me that I got really stuck-up and this girl told me what I needed to hear.  But, it hurt to know she was right.  I realized I needed to step into the real world and see who I was.  As this process went on, I feel in love with myself and life.

Another aspect of my life was my "christian life."  I went to church, raised my hand during worship, answered all the questions the church girl way.  I had it all together.  Until I got put in a different small group. I was heart broken.  I had spent my freshman and sophomore year with the same leader and girls, and some of the girls I was with even in middle school.  I was devistated.  But, as soon as I walked into the room I knew the leader would be just what I needed.  She had life experience, someone who was willing to share the dark parts of her life.  Even though I barely related, I could talk to her about stuff and she had experience.  This is when I really started to grow in my relationship with God.  I realized that I couldn't just have any old guy in my life, it needed to be God picked.  I realized that to date, you must first fall in love with God and then, with yourself. God is where I find my identity.

xox, 
kirsten