self worth.

As long as I can remember I have been one of those girls who never knew who or what she wanted to be. Resulting in me hanging out with a huge variety of people to figure out where I belonged.  During this  search, I hung out with a lot of guys.  I would always hear them talking about girls and they would say things that I really shouldn't of been hearing.  As these boys would talk about girls and the way they dressed, acted, and how they looked, I started to get very insecure.  When the time came that I could actually comprehend what dating was, I tried so hard to get close to guys but as I did they would say something super serious and I would get scared.  For the longest time this would happen where I would lead guys on and then just let them fall. I never intended to date any guy I knew in middle school and I knew that.  But as I got in to high school and dating became a serious thing, I ran into the same problem.  I couldn't get close.  For a while I just believed that it was the guys, they weren't the one.  But as I got older I realized that I wasn't sure of who I was.  I knew who society wanted me to be and who they had made me but, no one knew the real me.  The {sometimes dumb} blonde girl who was really sarcastic and just loved everyone.  I remember one day some girl came up to me and said, "you just don't get it, you live in your own world and have no grasp of reality."  The longer those words sat, the more truth it spoke.  I thought everyone should love me.  I was so used to having people want to be around me that I got really stuck-up and this girl told me what I needed to hear.  But, it hurt to know she was right.  I realized I needed to step into the real world and see who I was.  As this process went on, I feel in love with myself and life.

Another aspect of my life was my "christian life."  I went to church, raised my hand during worship, answered all the questions the church girl way.  I had it all together.  Until I got put in a different small group. I was heart broken.  I had spent my freshman and sophomore year with the same leader and girls, and some of the girls I was with even in middle school.  I was devistated.  But, as soon as I walked into the room I knew the leader would be just what I needed.  She had life experience, someone who was willing to share the dark parts of her life.  Even though I barely related, I could talk to her about stuff and she had experience.  This is when I really started to grow in my relationship with God.  I realized that I couldn't just have any old guy in my life, it needed to be God picked.  I realized that to date, you must first fall in love with God and then, with yourself. God is where I find my identity.

xox, 
kirsten

Heart Break.

Want to hear a story? I think it will help you better understand where I am coming from.

So about this time last year I met this boy who I was convinced was the one.  He was sweet, said nice things to me, was a "christian" and the list goes on.  I was always justifying my actions, "oh, he's a christian so it's okay."  it wasn't.  I let him consume my life.  He controlled my every move not because he was a bad boy or anything like that but just because I valued his opinion so much.  He was not right for me and deep down I knew it, but I didn't want to admit that to myself. I had many friends telling me he wasn't the way to go but what did they know?  We were best friends and in a few months, I told myself, we would be dating.  The dating thing never happened, and you know what? I have God to thank for that.  Looking back I want to smack the old me & yell, "WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU DOING?!"  Because he was a big waste of my time.  This boy is still one of my close friends but we both realize that it's better being just friends.  

But coming to the realization that just friends was a lot of work.  We both have always had feelings for each other.  But when we got time apart, I could go on his facebook and see he was not the kind of guy I wanted in my life.  I would see him and everything that I saw on facebook and knew as truth diminished.  I let him hold my heart for a few months.  It wasn't easy getting it back.  I had to break it to him that we couldn't go on like this.  When the time came to get my heart back, he wasn't completely ready to give it back and as a result it was like tug of war and it ripped my heart in half.  I took the half I had and moved on. Getting over him was a lot of crying & taylor swift. Just kidding, kind of..   But really, I prayed a lot for God to bring something into my life to take my mind of it and he delivered.  He brought a new found deep relationship with my sister.  I could tell her my heart and know she would love me no matter what.  The greatest thing?  She holds my heart but would never hurt me.  

When I see him, it hurts.  Because a lot of times it's with other girls and I know in a few months they will be in the same boat.  It hurts to know that he gives his heart to girl and they give theirs to him and pretty soon he will just take his back and move on.  

I do not tell you this story to get pity, because to be honest, I don't care about him anymore.  I tell you this to warn you, guard your heart. Any boy can come in and say the right words and then leave you devistated.  Wait for the guy that will pursue you and show you that he is worthy of you, not just says that he is.  Girls, he is out there.  Don't waste your boys who can talk the talk, anyone can. Wait for someone who can walk the walk.

xox,
kirsten

Forever Alone.

So lately I have been thinking a lot about dating.  I feel like so many people are getting boyfriends and girlfriends and I was really feeling down on myself like I wasn't good enough to have a boyfriend.  You all know the feeling when even the wierdest girl in school has a boyfriend and you are "forever alone."  This was is me. I have never had a boyfriend in my life, and yes this is by choice.  I have never been on one date, never kissed a boy, held hands with a boy, nothing. Look at me, I am surviving just fine.  I go to public school so I see all kinds of guys. Most of them just want to be physical.  Guys in high school are not looking for a long term relationship, and you shouldn't be either.  This isn't to say that dating is the devil, just be careful.  

As a girl, part of me longs for a boy to hug me and love me and tell me I am beautiful.  But my other half tells me that it is a waste of time.  That my heart is way to fragile right now to deal with someone telling me that "I am not their type."  So, as I was going through one of the groups I am in on facebook called "Spread the Love" which is a group of girls that offer encouragment to each other.  I came across a picture someone posted that said: "Dear girl, don't worry if you're single.  God is looking at you right now saying, 'I"m saving this girl for someone special.'"  So don't worry if you are still single, Gods timing is always perfect.  

boys boys boys.

We all know the Lady Gaga song, boys boys boys.  If you don't it goes a little something like this..

"boys, boys, boys, we like boys in cars

boys, boys, boys, buy us drinks in bars

boys, boys, boys with hairspray and denim

boy, boys, boys we love them, we love them."

I don't know about you but this song breaks my heart.  Boys now a days are used and thrown away.  Boys get in trouble for abusing women but what about the other way around?  And don't get me wrong, the male generation is not BY ANY STRETCH anywhere close to perfect.  I mean you have heard rap and how that portrays women.  I won't quote that because it makes me sick.  But back to boy abuse.  Women now a days treat men like an accesory.  What happened to dating one guy and being loyal!? Why can't girls talk to one guy at a time? Then we have the girls who lead guys on just to break their hearts.  I don't understand why guys are not respected.  

GIRLS, when a guy holds the door for you just walk through, don't grab it from him.  He is not doubting your ability to hold a door, it is just a nice gesture to show he respects you; accept it.  We want chivalrous men, and when you turn them away it makes them feel awkward and not want to do it again.  Please, just let him pay, hold the door for you, and compliment you just accept it.  Don't ruin it for other girls!